The Last Song

Okay ummm wow.

I just got home from the movies about ten minutes ago. I saw "The Last Song". That other cheesy looking chick flick based off the book by Nicholas Sparks. Yes, another one. I think he's on a roll. This is like number 3 or something in 2 years. Way to go, Nick.

I must say, I was very impressed. In an almost surprising way, too. I don't actually like Mr. Sparks' books. Some reasons being that they are set in the same state every time, and they are pretty predictable. This movie, was a little predictable (some parts made me feel like I was watching the Notebook again), but it really blew me out of the water. I bawled my eyes out. For real. If I cry in movies, I can usually hold it back for a good while and sometimes make it out of the theater without shedding a tear. This time, I wasn't so lucky. There was a point where I reached the maximum build-up (where your lumpy throat has reached its lumpy limit and your eyes are filled to the very brim with that salty solution) and I just said to myself, "Just accept it, Rachael. Let it come." At that point, tears just gushed out like little rivers all the way down my face. I didn't even bother wiping them off, because they just kept on coming! I think my throat is still a little sore from the lumpiness! Sometimes the tears would subside, and then another emotional part (don't wanna give anything away!) would come and there they'd go again.. it was a little ridiculous honestly. It was seriously all I could do to not gasp and wheeze and whimper, too. I can't believe I reached that point. All because of a ex-Disney star. Well done , Miley Cyrus. I applaud you.

Switzerland... How did they do it?

The content in this particular post has been on my mind for a while now. And I feel it important to share it. And also get it off my chest! My intent is not to offend, but to be honest. Does anyone know how it feels to come from a broken family? To have to continually strive to remain neutral and please everyone around them? My parents are divorced. Both are remarried. One set lives in Tennessee, the other in Arizona. Looking back, it was a lot easier to deal with than it is now. I'm not sure why. You would think that I would be able to make my own decisions (after all I am an adult) and everyone would just accept it and get over it. But... no. It isn't like that at all. Why everyone strives for my attention, I'm not really sure. Why everyone gets offended when I don't choose to do what they want me to, I'll never understand. I am trying so so hard to be my own person, to learn, to grow, and have my own life. Isn't that apart of being an adult? No matter what, someone gets upset. I can't please everyone. It just never works that way. And for the pure reason that I love my family, I still strive to do so. But I fail. Every time. I love my family. Each and every member. I really truly do not think I could describe that love. It's as impossible and the state of neutrality I strive to maintain. Does anyone understand what I go through? Can anyone empathize? I really get the fact how hurtful it is when I am forced to choose sides. I really do. Trust me. I'm the one making the decisions and I have to watch everyone get upset. I have to receive the phone calls. The emails. The texts. Why, Rachael, why? How come you chose that side this time? Do you know how much it hurts my feelings? Actually, I really do. Because it hurts my feelings. It hurts that I have to choose a side. Every time. Then it hurts even more, when I have to hear about how my decision has effected everyone else. I know what my family does for me. I know how hard everyone works to help me succeed. I could never show enough gratitude. Seriously. I also know what my family doesn't do. How unhelpful they are. Fact is, I still love all my family. Maybe I never thought that people would get so upset. I don't even know what to say or how to handle this anymore. I can't say sorry, because it does no good. I can't just email someone and tell them how I feel, because I feel no one cares. And why is it fair to me to be manipulative and send me on all these guilt trips? I don't deserve that. I never did anything. I feel like I'm in the middle of this battlefield during an enormous war. Two powerful sides. If I don't pick a side and stick with it, I'll get blown to pieces. Except in real life, my heart my blow to pieces from all this stress and heartache. You can't be a double-agent. You can't play for both teams. You can't fight for both armies. This is why I avoid telling anyone my decision for anything. Why I keep my family out of my decisions. It's the only way to stay neutral. But every now and then, things get crazy and I have to put out fires, that I apparently started, and try to bring peace again. I'm gonna be cleaning up a mess all week long. I'm gonna have some sleepless nights. It's so hard. I don't like it. It makes me uncomfortable and unhappy and very stressed out. I have enough as it is. Finals are next week and I have to pack. and move. I hate it. Why can't we all get along? Why can't everyone just be happy with my decisions? Why can't everyone love me unconditionally? Why is everyone mad at me? Is it ever going to be okay? Am I ever going to be happy with this situation? I hate disappointing people. I care so much. And I know they do too, but cut me some slack. Please. It's tearing me apart.

I'm so hungry.

I feel like my blogs are uninteresting sometimes. I don't really know what to post about sometimes. I read other people's blogs and all they talk about are their lives. It's simple. And never boring. I love reading my aunts' blogs and my friend Melanie's. And everyone else that I follow. They're always interesting. Mine is not. But it's really okay. Because I like blogging.

I only have two weeks of school left and I have so much to do! I'm moving, so I have to pack. I have finals, so I have to study. I have portfolio, so I have to print. Among other things. I really can't wait to move though. I'm very much over this semester. I feel like it's been so so long. And really hard! I'm not doing well in chemistry. I'm thinking I'm going to have to retake it. I'm super burnt out because I've gone 4 semesters in a row. I know some people have been able to do that before or longer, and mucho respect for them, but I am not one of those people. If I went one more semester I feel like my GPA would no longer be that great.

So I'm watching that show "I Shouldn't Be Alive." I cannot believe this show. These stories? They really shouldn't be alive. It's freakin nuts. I couldn't make it. I really think I would die if it were me. The one my friends and I are watching are about these guys who go to the Bolivian jungle to find this indian tribe during the rain season. The trip was only supposed to last a few days but they ended up losing 2 of the guys and the other 2 got lost for a month. Crazy! One of the guys got "trench foot" which is just nasty. They never found him. It was just crazy! I feel like I've been taught certain things in life in order to survive but I don't know if I would remember those things if actually put in the situation. I'm not sure if I ever want to find out either!

Today I did  some last minute shooting for my photo assignment due tomorrow. It was short, but really fun! More funny actually. See, me and Melanie went to a wedding reception for one of her friends a few weeks ago. She was a bridesmaid and for the wedding they used peacock feathers to decorate. After the reception, we took a whole bunch home, and they've been sitting in our living room since. So when I decided to go shoot, I grabbed the little jars that were full of them and went outside. Melanie came with me and I just took some pictures of them against a brick wall. Sounds kinda boring I know. But there were some flowers mixed in so it looked a lot cooler than it sounds. Then I had this brilliant idea to put peacock swords in Melanie's hair (she's a redhead) and then have her hold up the regular peacock feathers to her eyes. It was sooo coool! I'll post pictures soon.

Anyway, I really love midnight breakfasts with Alissa. Just sayin.

Flabbergasted. What a weird word.

I've gotten traveling out of my system. I think. Okay thats a lie. I am always down to travel. I guess what I am saying is for the time being, it wont be possible for me to travel anywhere beyond the limits of my current hometown. This semester is over halfway over and I have found myself thinking several times "what am I doing here? am I in the right place? the right major?"... among other things. Anyway, I just feel  like this semester has been extremely trying in ways I cannot explain. It literally wore on my soul, and I feel like I sort of lost myself. Like things got dull. If you know me personally, you know I'm like this bright ray of sunshine all the time. And this semester, even though I was happy, I for some reason just couldn't shake this feeling that things were slowing down. And not in a good way. Like I needed a jumpstart. It was SO weird. I felt restricted and held down. Since my Cali trip I feel so much better, and I don't think Cali is necessarily what I needed, but I know it helped me think. I have started to be more positive. No matter what it is, I choose to make it happy and good. School is not fun, but life is still good. I choose to smile. I choose to have fun. And really, life is great. I have by no means been depressed in the slightest. I just want everyone who reads this to know that and believe it. Life just needed a little extra color. And I got it. Everything is as it should be.

I really want to try something. I have been thinking a lot about me. What defines me as a person really. All the weird things. All the normal things. So right now, I'm gonna list ten things (or however many I want I guess) about me that you may or may not know that I have noticed about myself lately.

1. I wear a lot of bracelets. I used to never. wear jewelry. seriously. It was unheard of. But last summer I just started wearing all these bracelets I already had in my jewelry box. All summer long. and I really loved them. Then when I came back to school, I lost track of them between moving and everything. I found them the other day. I now wear a lot of bracelets again. I love it. They love me.

2. I come across as very intimidating. I have been told this all semester long. This is news to me honestly. I've never thought of myself as that way, but I guess I see it? But not really. Its weird to hear that honestly. I think it might be a front. Maybe I subconsciously look intimidating so people wont talk to me or something. Or so people wont wanna fight me. Because lets face it, I dont wanna fight them.

3. I am terrible at making bets. I don't even know why I make them. I can count on one hand (to be more specific, on one finger) how many times I have actually won a legit bet. But I still find myself placing bets every chance I get. In fact, I have about 4 bets on the March Madness coming up. Cross your fingers for me. I'll be crossing all mine. as well as my toes.

4. I love Colorado so much. I realize that more and more every day I breathe. And the more I love it the more I want it to be the place I take my last breath. Maybe. But for now, yes.

5. It doesn't matter how hard I try not to be, I am still the hopeless romantic I was when I graduated high school. I suppose thats good. It's definitely a more mature hopeless romantic, but the fact still remains, I yearn to be in love and have someone love me just as much back.

6. I am and forever will be a diet coke/pepsi addict. For the record, I no longer have a preference. I take what I can get and I love it. I have cut back a lot since my younger years, going from a 44 oz a day to only one a week (sometimes two. or three.). It is just too good to completely cut out. It would seriously be like asking me to cut out chocolate for the rest of my life.

7. I recently told this secret to someone, and it had never occurred to me until that moment. I have never been the one to make the first move when it comes to kissing. Never ever. First of all, I just wont allow that. But second of all, I'm terrified. I always have been and I fear for that moment when I actually might have to make the first move. I hope it never comes.

8. I really just don't like talking on the phone. I can't really explain it, and there are maybe a handful of people (minus family) that I can talk to for more than 20 minutes. I'd rather skype, webcam, facebook, text, or email or whatever, before I have to hold a technological device up to my ears for an extended period of time.

9. My brothers are my bestest friends! I never realized it till they left and have been gone for over a year! I always said I was close to them but this semester, seriously, it has hit me like a ton of bricks. They are the best. and my besties forever. My favorites. Nobody makes me laugh like they do. If I find someone like that, they're not getting away. They're stuck with me, and my brothers, for good.

10. I really have no idea what my style is. I have tried so hard to define it and I think I just have to accept that I have no defined style. I wish I did though and I'd love some help in that department. I know I have style. I know how to make outfits work. I know how to look classy. I know how to look cute. I know how to make a look. I just think I'd like to look at my wardrobe and be able to say "I dress like ______". Is that dumb? Who cares.

Okay I think thats it. For now. I might do this a lot. Just to get it out. Because I like figuring this out. Seeing it in front of me. Its good stuff.

Beauty Assignment

My assignment for photo tomorrow is on beauty. Where you find it. What defines it. Stuff like that. I figured my Cali pics that I took with my SLR would probably be perfect candidates for this assignment. And I was right. I am so so happy with the way these turned out. And I can tell I'm getting better. At least I think I am! Ha. Especially since I seem to be spending fewer hours printing every week because it doesn't take me forever! Anyway, I really hope you find the beauty in these pictures. Because I did. I took them. Duh.

Runyon Canyon Road

I like this one because of the daisies. The clouds. And that little pathway towards the center of the photo. The houses are incredible and you can just barely make out LA in the background.

Newport Beach

This day was just gorgeous. The temperature was perfect and there was no one there except a handful of surfers. I love this picture because despite the negative space and the overcast sky, the detail in the sands and rocks is just lovely.

Outside the Kodak Theater

I'm not turning this one in. I just printed because I love it. I'm really proud of this one because its probably the only picture I have so far that I have one of, with the perfect settings, that is in focus, the contrast is near perfect, and I only printed it once without needing to do a test strip! But more importantly, I love the connection these two people have. I don't know if you can see it, but I can. You can tell they really care about each other. I also love that even though the weather is pretty perfect, they're wearing rain jackets. And the water is cool too.

Cali.forn.i.a.

So as I mentioned previously, I was in California recently. Everything was wonderful. 

I have so many stories. and pictures. I think I took around 350 on my digital and 2 rolls on my SLR which ended up being around 50 pictures. So around 400 total. yeah. It felt reallllly good.

Yeah pretty much everything about my weekend was just incredible. We left thursday night from rexy and drove alll through the night. I was supposed to drive the last leg of the drive, but I ended up not having to and we arrived in the OC, CA around 7 am. We had breakfast as my dear friend Alissa's cousins house and then went over to the hotel to shower and get ready for the beach. It was a slow start though because obviously everyone was exhausted ha. We went to Newport Beach which was about 20 minutes from our hotel. It was sooo gorgeous.

Just to give a little background on the people I went 

with were all on the football team I played for (Mariah, Erin, Alissa), minus one (Jake). But he's the brother of one of the girls, so he still kind of counts. We all played football on the beach and tossed around a frisbee, which kind of got old fast because you cant do much with only 5 people. But it still felt really good because its been forever since I've thrown a football AND football season is over! So I've been going through major withdrawals. Mariah had never really been to Cali before, nor seen the Pacific Ocean so we, minus erin (because she doesn't like getting in the water), all played in the waves. It was soooo much fun! The water wasn't even that bad. It felt really good too. We went out pretty far, and I think some of the surfers thought we were crazy because we didnt have any wetsuits on. I got hit pretty hard a few times and got a couple mouthfuls of salt water, which makes me want to throw up just thinking about it cuz I hate hate salt but thats another story. I called it quits after getting hit pretty hard one more time and just lay on the beach with erin. I got some more really great shots, one of which Spencer made really pretty.

Anyway, we went to In N Out and saw people of all statuses there. We sat really close to these GQ looking business men who literally ate like 3 different meals. I get so full after one burger and fries. I love their fries by the way. Oh also, the GQ guys had baller cars. Mercedes. Fact. I touched it. So smooth. We all crashed at the hotel after that. 

That night though, Alissa and Jake went to their family's house and Mariah, Erin, and I went to Anaheim and walked around Downtown Disney for a while before we met up with one of their friends. On the way in there was this old beat up van with this old creepy fat guy sitting in the driver's seat with the door open. He was scoping out everyone that walked by and his whole vehicle was filled to the brim with full trash bags, some of them regular and some Disney bags. It was so bizarre looking that I couldn't help but stare for a sec but then I had this overwhelming feeling that wasn't the best idea. It was so scary! I was positive he was some sort of rapist or something. He literally sat there all night long, but when we came back he disappeared! Downtown Disney was a super short trip though. Mostly we just window-shopped. Which I hate.

Saturday we traveled another 40 minutes or so to Hollywood. I've never been there, that I know of, and neither had Mariah so it was a really fun experience for all of us. We saw the Kodak theater of course, which was shut down for the Oscars coming up soon. I guess. We went to Hooters for lunch, which is always an interesting experience. It was only my second time at Hooters and for the record, the first time was back home in Tennessee and the wings and the waitresses in LA are so much better. Ha ha. We also took a gander at Sid Grauman's Chinese Theater.. AMAZING. It was kind of surreal to stand there where all these major starts have been, stood, placed their hands and feet, etc. I found all my favorites and held hands with each of them...

Dick Van Dyke

Frank Sinatra

Johnny Depp

Humphrey Bogart

Hugh Jackman

Robert Downey, Jr.

                   Bing Crosby

Marilyn Munroe

Anyway, after that we went shopping and I got hit on by a bum. He told me I could take a picture of him with my SLR so I did. But he asked me if I believed in genies and he made it sound like he thought my camera was a magic lamp. He also said if I was in town later that he'd take me out for dinner when he got enough change. He told me several times that I had a nice nose. He also offered me his jacket because mine was soaked from the rain. He was legitimately crazy, but still very nice. But I wasn't going to get to know him any further than I did. Haha.

That night I slept over at my friend Jenna's. She used to be my roommate and now she's back home working to save up for her mission. We just caught up and told stories. It was really nice. I miss her a lot. I went to church the next day at my friend Hillary's ward. Because it was her farewell and Jenna was singing. It was sooo good and sooo nice. Jenna did fantastic and Hillary's talk was awesome. She's going to Chile, and she was always kind of mad that she wasn't leaving till late (she got her call in October) but after the earthquake she said she thought she was supposed to wait so she could help out with that and clean up. Makes sense. We went over to Hillary's house after Sacrament though, to have lunch and say goodbye. We ate lasagna and salad and garlic bread.. OH it was so good. The goodbyes were hard because Alissa and Hillary are best friends and cousins, so they're really close. I almost cried myself. 

Hillary and Me :-)

Jenna and Me

So we took off after that. On the way home we passed through Vegas, which I love. Wish we could have played there a little. I also learned how to "thizz" (youtube it) which was soo hilarious. We also stopped in Baker, Nevada and had the wonderful experience of seeing the World's Largest Thermometer. 137 ft I think it was? I'm not sure. I think we also hold the record at the St. George McDonald's for largest order. We had at least 50 chicken nuggets. 4 fry orders. And some sandwiches and drinks. Nuts. I met Jake and Alissa's grandparents. Makes me miss mine. But we arrived safely after dropping Jake off in Provo. And I still have no phone.

Thizzzzz

I touched the top. Thanks to Jake.

Road Trippers. 

L to R

Erin, Jake, Alissa, Me, Mariah